Sometimes I wonder if I wrtie these blogs from a void where only I have comprehension of what I am trying to say. I often will go back and delete whole parts or update sections or words always striving to make sense of my work. This is one such case. This blog entry has been a struggle. Mostly I write these blogs for me and no one else really. I am not seeking your approval, gratitude, pat on the back, or your two cents but of course if it speaks to you than I have reached my goal. I am starting to realize that you never can really have it all. Life always wants to throw things at you. As we age, this can be health, job security, image issues. Let's face it - I know more people that are botoxed then less. I am not judging - wrinkles suck and so does aging. Everyone is dieting, wants to diet, or just got off some starvation diet. 5ks are the norm. Where you find more money and successful families - you find depressed, medicated people going through a mid-life crisis because they are insecure about their life, appearance, and age, there are always money issues, upside down mortgages and sickness from stress, and kids so that are self absorbed (mine not necessairly excluded here) and entitled. Entitled to what I am not sure. Oh I am as much to blame as anyone else - I share these vices as well.
So as you can see this is not a cheery christmasy rosey blog though it once was filled with family stories and quibs. I actually am not even sure what a quib is but you can be sure this blog was full of them. I promise its not all depressing bleak here. In the past three + years I have met some amazing people. I have also seen the ugly, I mean real rotten to the core U-G-L-Y as well. I spent most of this past year being sad about that too. However, as I sit on a sunny day on my porch that overlooks my street - it is oddly quiet. I am not used to that. This holiday has not been like any other. It has been a lot less cheery, a lot less well christmasy for sure, and I find I spend quite a bit of my time alone and reflecting. Our street is never this quiet yet this is how this Christmas has been. Too quiet. Next year I am hoping for so much more. To be in a better frame of mind, to be able to not feel heartbroken and sad for my friends who have lost so much. 2014 needs to get here soon so we can all just move on and get out of this state of constant limbo. 2014 needs to be the year of Family, Friends, and self. If self is broken all others fail.
My wishes for 2014:
1. 2014 is a much better year - 2013 needs to leave with a whimper
2. That everyone keeps their friends close, they will not desert you in time of need and if they do - screw 'em
3. That everyone is thankful for what they have, and recognizes that they are blessed. Someone always has it worse than you do
4. We see the passage of the Kids First Act to fund more pediatric cancer research
5. I will work on being a better friend. One that is not sad and whiney all the time and one that can just be positive instead of negative every 5 seconds. I want to work on old neglected friendships and nurture new ones I made. I have made some great friends this year.
6. Hopefully by doing the above this will also work for Logan too.
7. In the new year, never miss an opportunity to hug your child, tell them how much you love them, and instill having a good heart and generous spirit.
8. Recognize the great things your children have done, what they have overcome, and how generous of a heart and spirit they have. I am amazed I didn't see it before in Logan and I am sad that she has had to show it this past year.
9. Smile even though your heart is breaking
10. It is important to give back. Give your time, money, support, whatever you have or can give. It doesn't have to be to pediatric cancer (though it would warm my heart if you did) but it can be anything to help others. I have found comfort in the short time I had to honor a promise I made. I can be proud of myself for that.
11. Don't let anyone beat you down or make you feel you are not worth it. Don't expect others to build you up. You must do this on your own. No one can help you be a better you or build confidence in yourself. I am just learning this.
12. In the coming new year, always remember those who are no longer with us, keep them in your heart and their memory alive.
13. Continue to support causes. People like Emma Rose, Dryden - kids helping kids - is amazing - I plan to continue to support efforts like these in 2014
14. Launch of a special project that I am very excited about. Here's hoping everyone else is too. my365 is about giving kids and all those that help kids fighting cancer, a voice - will you listen? And a definite renewed promised for another 15 deeds.
15. I pray that in 2014 those that have lost someone find a little more peace.